There are a lot of things I don’t understand; how tin openers work, what tomatoes really are, what this lump is. But there’s one thing that’s been really nipping my nips recently. Why does, and I don’t think I’m generalising here, why does absolutely everyone wear those jeans with two holes in the knees? I’m not talking your safety-pin-Rodney-you-rotter-Johnny-two-fingers-I’m-not-doing-the-washing-up punk rock guff. I get it, my brother owns Dookie on cassette. I’m talking more your Bacardi-and-coke-topshop-n-shots-B&H-Nando’s aficionados, with their half haircuts and Instagram hearts. The more I see these holes, these…knees, the more questions I have to ask myself to be able to carry out life. Please help:
1. Do they employ someone in the factory to cut big holes in these jeans?
2. Is it a thoroughly satisfying job, or does it feel really morally terrible to go around the factory floor with a big pair of scissors ruining the hard work of these talented young underpaid children?
3. Where do the little bits of cut out fabric go? Are they later sewn together to make a huge Frankenstein pair of jeans to be worn by a big giant in underpants?
4. Why are your knees so orange? Surely you’d want to keep that under wraps as much as possible?
5. And whilst we’re here, why aren’t you wearing socks either?
6. Why are these jeans £70? They have two big holes in so surely they should be heavily discounted or at least chucked in the bin?
7. If I bring them back to the shop will I be able to get a refund if the reason I am bringing them back to the shop is that they have got two big holes in?
8. Can you buy jeans anymore that aren’t frayed or have shit all over them or look like they’ve been bummed by a dog?
9. Which half arsed hotshot has okayed this idea?
If anyone wants to come shopping with me I’m free on Saturday.